I used to write nearly every day. I never skipped more than one. It's been four. Each day I consider writing something and each day I think, "...no, not today. There is nothing of import to record today." And the days go by, and the pages stay blank. I am sure this is trying to tell me something. For the life of me I can not decide for sure what that is. Over the last couple days people have told me I seem quiet, and asked if I was alright. I guess the answer must be no. The problem? Too often putting my foot in my mouth to risk doing it again? Maybe simply nothing happening worth writing about, or talking about. I think.... I believe.... I am just scared. I am afraid that something will go wrong. No matter how careful I am, no matter how hard I work to keep things together, something will go wrong. And then add my inept social skills to the mix. I am right to be concerned. I guess there comes a point where you have to leave things up to friends, and loved ones, and fate. There comes a time to rub your rabbits foot, put a four-leaf-clover in your pocket, and cross your fingers. And a time to just leave the foot in your mouth...... so there is no room for the other one.

I have tried to keep busy. I knew if I kept busy I could stay out of trouble and make the time pass. I lost track of my hitpoints, as I am apt to do. I got myself killed, though not of course for the first time. However, this time it started an avalanche. I decided to take a breath and hangout. I found myself at Milltown center and started talking with people. I don't think I could have been less impressive. I stuck my foot in my mouth, repeatedly. I believe I have convinced Darc that I am a complete boor. OK, I know it is more than possible that I am, again, over reacting. This incomplete, directionless feeling that keeps growing heavier every day may have finally knocked me down. I find myself being thoughtless, as well as completely without thought. I have caught myself being rude, and short, and careless with my observations and opinions. Maybe I have simply been working too hard. I do... grow weary. When I am not busy, however, I am running my mouth and making myself look like.......... a drudge. I had better go wash my face. A smudge on my cheek right now would not do. It would not do at all.

Another day, not unlike many other days that have come before. I am, I do, I will, I love, I miss, I fear, I wish, I hope, I convey, I apologize, I empathize, but most of all, I plagiarize. After all, it's all been said before.

Well I finally made it to 22. Each level gets so much harder. If it were not for the help and support of family and freinds I would have given up I think. However it seems as though the harder I work the more help I get, like they just... know. People look me up to give me sparkles or prayers. People looking at my equipment and helping me upgrade, even sometimes showing up with what they see I need. And even coming along with a pouch full of coin to help finance my training. I can no longer say I have not received a handout, but I took it without giving grief. I had been farming for much of the last couple days trying to afford my training. A gift, along with the others, that I was glad to welcome. I am grateful. Now I have to rethink and reorganize. I have been window shopping for new eqipment. Will need to actually make purchases soon. I have to figure out where I get the best experience and where, when necessary, it will be best to farm. All these decisions get harder each level as well. Guess I'll have to start asking more questions. I left Izzy a note today. When I got done and looked at my messages she was there, having already read everything I wrote!! I was kinda scarey.... in a good way. It was so good to hear from her, even for a couple minutes. I miss her so much.

I am staying upbeat. Really I am. I have been pleasant, and cheerful, and talkative.... for the most part. Also, for some reason, others have been a bit more helpful and kind than usual as well. One of my best friends came all the way into the tomb and up to the second level just to give me some enchants. And for no other obvious reason. Either he was really bored or... well, driven by devine impulse. Overall, the gods have definately smiled on me lately. I guess I'm being tested a little at the same time. I miss Isabelle more than I can possibly put into words. In case I have never mentioned it before, she makes my heart soar. She also makes my pulse race, my mind wander from thoughts of her, and my whole life more clear, full, and happy. Not much I can say after that.

I got to the top of the lighthouse yesterday. The keeper was not at home. I may try again, though I do not really need the cloak. It is the challenge that incites the effort. I went alone, without help. Yes, I find some amount of pride in that. I know there are those that call that simply foolish. For me, it is not just pride. It is who I am. Along with the following; I have never asked for nor received any plat as a handout. I have never asked for, and have taken only few, potions. People who beg these things, mentors are not your personal charity! I have never asked for and have received only a few pieces of equipment as gifts. I have never asked for and have only a couple of times received enchants. I rarely ask for and have thankfully and humbly received only a moderate number of blessings. Foolish pride? Not really, it is just who I am. Sometimes I wonder myself how I have come as far as I have shunning peoples best efforts to help me. It is probably a combination of bullheaded perseverance, just enough love, and just enough luck. As I have learned is best, I will just be thankful..... and shut up.

Some things just can't be understood. Right now I find that most things fall into the impossible catagory. There is one thing that I thankfully do understand well enough. You don't always have to fully understand, just be grateful and shut up.

I am sorry about yesterday. I am not sure who I am apologizing to, other than myself. It was not going to be a great day anyway, with Izzy leaving and all. I certainly found a way to make it worse. I am sorry. I am trying to look forward to the Formal Winter Auction tonight. I have myself believing I am a sure bet to win threir contest. I am probably just fooling myself. These people have done this before, and know what it takes to impress. I will temper my expectations and just try to have a good time, if I go. I told Izzy about it before she left. How I would have loved to see her dressed to the nines and on my arm. She was genuinely disappointed not to be here for it. All it did for me was put an image in my head that makes me even more depressed. She would have been beautiful to see. *smiles at the thougt* And she does so love to be clean. *another smile* I miss you Izzy, very much. And it's only been a day, what am I going to do with almost a month?!?! I am constantly finding myself staring into space. I just need to keep myself busy. The family tried to inventory our assets this morning. We did all right but ran out of initiative. Most of us have a bug of some kind and we just ran out of energy. Sitting drinking tea and writing now. Resting up to possibly attend the party. I just looked up and noticed a bird from Isabelle. I was too late..... Time to just sigh and close the book......

I had written another entry for today. I tore it out, folded it up, and put it deep inside my pack. I kept it as a reminder. A reminder of a number of things. Like, how important what I have really is to me. How a little mistake could possibly erase everything, take it all away. How I worry too much. I've been told, now I have made my own best example. Even if I did screw up as bad as I was thinking, worry does not help. And finally, how I need more focus. I need to pay more attention and take some things a little more seriously. After all, the closer I get to people the more responsibility I have for their feelings. I was silly to think she would be all freaked out over one little reference. She is bigger than that. She is not that fragile. I should have given her more credit. I am ashamed of myself. Her disappearance was coincidental and expected, and I was being paranoid. It won't happen again.... I hope.

I've sat and stared at blank pages again long enough. Time to try and put thought into word. We are good together. That deserves a much more descriptive explanation but there just doesn't seem to be a good way to say what I mean. I will, however try my best. Our expectations of each other seem to be exactly what we have to give. No more, no less. Nothing seems to ever be taken wrong or misunderstood. We know how important time spent together is, however, we understand how important time spent apart is as well. We go about our business and treasure every second we spend with each other. We are good together, it is simple as that. And she still makes my heart soar, in case you were wondering. Other things going on? Um... yes, of course. I've killed my third crystal guardian, got my first glowing crystal, and was helped get my first scroll. Gibberish of course. Look at me, you would think I actually know what I'm talking about. I am getting into areas of my adventure in the land that are way over my head. I think I'll have enough help. I have a handful of great freinds..... and Isabelle Dawson.

My heart soars. I have sat here, legs crossed with this book in my lap, staring at a blank page for what seems like hours. I have been trying to decide what to say. So I said what was utmost in my mind, the words that have taken over all other thought. My heart soars. I promise us both to continue to go slowly. I will be respectful, and thoughtful, and try to live up to the gentleman she describes me to be. I would give her anything within my power to make her happy. Anything. Her smile, her giggle, her blush, her happiness, are my priorities. I am more thrilled, more at peace, more exccited, more content, happier than I ever remember being in my life. Oh, and my heart soars. In case I hadn't mentioned that.

A very strange, interesting, confusing, and altogether different day! First, I found my journal. I have not yet found everyone elses for them, but there is a good reason for that. I have lost some of them themselves. I would say I have some catching up to do but that would be overstating the obvious. The biggest thing I have to record here is still an issue in flux. I was having the most wonderful time. We held hands. We walked on the beach. We talked and laughed. I just knew we were a match that rarely is found in these lands. Over days a seed of friendship grew. Just as I was about to steal a first kiss my world fell apart. I've seen her, but things do not seem to be the same. I do not know what to say to her. I could try too hard and push her away forever. I could not try hard enough and lose the chance to put back together the best thing I've had in my entire life. My heart aches when I think of you as well sweetheart. And that is often. I'll stop for now. I'll blame the strangeness of the day.... and leave it at that.

I'm finding smiles a lot more often lately. Many of them on me. Nice for a change. I'm not worried about fitting in any more, actually think I'd rather not. I hear converstions, read journal entries, learn of gatherings and laughter. I don't even envy them any more. It is much easier not to have expectations.... of yourself or ones put on you. When I come upon a group with people I have met before I stop and greet them. If I don't get a response I move on. I wait to shrug... and smile.... after I am gone. It simply gives me more time to think, and train, and be amused. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. One now and then is plenty. The rest, in between, is just fluff.

GO NAVY!!

Well, I guess what it comes down to is... am I here or am I not. If I am, I need to quit playing oh poor me and get back to what I came here for in the first place. Get back to who I really am. I am not that weak, I am not that easy to throw off course. I looked up and found myself in a strange new world and was temporarily overwhelmed, but no more. I thought so many people looking for utopia would make sure they found one by creating it themselves. I was wrong. This is a world not unlike any other. I didn't want to play the games of human nature, of self indulgence and greedy souls. But I now give notice; I am more than skilled and quite capable of holding my own in that arena. I will put together a to do list and mark them off one by one....... I will weed out those I feel I can trust from those I can not, and treat each accordingly. I will keep my friends close... and you know what they say about enemies. I will tell those I love how I feel about them often.... no matter how uncomfortable they may be with that. I will keep my promises, accept my responsibilities, and fullfill my obligations. In short... I will be me. They will either like me, or they will not.